About Ted and his Spiritual Search

I grew up in New Jersey in a loving family who valued achievement and intellectual brilliance. I was smart, but I felt emotionally and spiritually unmet, which caused me great pain. I compensated by escaping into the relative safety and distraction of my creative mind, where I began the project of inventing things and trying to figure out the meaning of life.

As a child, I had many experiences of the limitless side of my Being, but perhaps nothing extraordinary. As I grew older, I felt increasingly overwhelmed by the pain and denial I felt inside and out. But I’d long since adopted the habit of telling myself and the world that I was fine and everything was OK.

By the time I’d reached my teens, I was in crisis and I found myself reaching out for something beyond the ordinary. I consciously began my spiritual search, reading books by J. Krishnamurti, Yogananda, Carlos Casteneda, Ram Dass, and Richard Bach. Soon, I began using hallucinogens as a tool in my self-inquiry process. I glimpsed my future realization in this life, but I also saw that I couldn’t reach it through drugs.

When I was 17, I found Transcendental Meditation and felt I had finally found my ultimate path. I faithfully practiced TM and the TM-Siddhis program. I became a teacher in that work and taught TM to hundreds of seekers. I believed that my practice would bring me enlightenment. After over two decades, it was painful to finally admit to myself that I felt nowhere near my goal.

I became a seminar junkie. I took Silva Mind Control, John Gray workshops, Sage, firewalk seminars, Miracle of Love, and many others. Over the years, with all the tools, techniques, trainings, and seminars, I invested nearly a hundred thousand dollars in my personal growth and spiritual search. Yet somehow, with all I had done, I still felt separate, incomplete, and confused. It’s not that I hadn’t grown or changed. But after 26 years of intense searching, I realized it was time to find an awakened being who could help me personally.

I checked out many of the teachers on the spiritual circuit, but none embodied the kind of awakening I was after. Then I met Saniel Bonder, and felt an instant connection. His transmission of love and of confidence in my unique being and my unique awakening process helped me recognize my own divinely human nature. Within nine months, I fell into my first major awakening. I realized I am the one, universal, and infinitely Conscious Self nature. It was the biggest thing that had ever happened to me, at least until then.

Although that shift appeared to fundamentally integrate my shattered parts, it left me paradoxically split in half. I was identified as Consciousness, but I felt clearly separated from my mind, body, feelings, and the world. I was the silent, uninvolved witness, and the world was effortlessly revolving around me. As glorious as that was, I soon realized I had to investigate my relationship to life — especially my own humanity. I had to find a reason to come fully into and actually own all the messy, frail, weak, confused, and mortal parts of my being.

One evening about two months later, I fell into my body and into my second awakening. I realized that I am not merely Infinite Consciousness, but the Totality and Onlyness of Being. There was no longer any fundamental separation between “me” and any “other”. The fight between my infinite, free nature and my finite, mortal nature was over. I realized my inherent wholeness and began my life anew.

From that moment on, I saw for myself that the real work of cellular transformation actually begins in a whole new way after this realization of unity. I saw the innumerable ways I was not in integrity with myself or others. Over the next 7 years, I went through a spontaneous, organic, and powerful whole Being realignment process that helped me heal the bulk of my unresolved childhood issues and patterns.

During that time, I had a third major awakening – a realization I call Mutual Onlyness. It started with my wife and I falling together into a much larger awareness that we share as we embrace what we call “the wound of relationship.” I saw that awakening to mutuality can only happen through the direct recognition that others are part of our total Self.

Ever since the time of my second birth awakening, I’ve helped hundreds of people in private sessions — and thousands in groups — to awaken and embody their own unique genius. Much of that was was in the context of the work previously called Waking Down, now renamed Trillium Awakening, where I was a Senior Teacher from 2001 until I stepped away from that work in 2015. While there, I instigated and helped create the first weekend and weeklong workshops, the Mentor and Teacher training programs, and created an online intro course.

Since that time, I’ve been creating a new work called Live Infinity. My partner in that work and I have developed a clear map of the awakening process that I will use to create online resources for awakening. My long term goal is to awaken millions of people in my lifetime. Please visit the new site at www.live-infinity.com.